Red Richardson on Phone Addiction and Shark Fears in Stand-Up Debut

-Our next guest has his comedy special, "Bugatti Live," available on YouTube. Making his "Tonight Show" debut, please welcome the very funny Red Richardson! [Cheers and applause] -Hello! [Cheers and applause] Everyone having a good life? [Cheers and applause] Nice. I, uh. I'm not sure about this mustache either, to be honest.

It's good to be here, though. It's good to be off my phone for the next five minutes. I got a terrible phone addiction. Spend about seven hours a day on my phone. I don't even know what I'm looking for. I just scroll. I watched a woman I've never met before make a lasagna from start to finish. on Instagram Live. I was there while it was in the oven, just waiting. I was like. "This looks great. I hope she comes back soon. It's nearly ready.

Be a shame if she burnt it." I was on Instagram the other day. I got followed by this girl I went to school with. Wasn't even friends with her in school. She followed me. I was like, "Hmm. Wonder what she's been up to all these years. Followed her back. Went through every single one of her photographs. Ten years of her life. An hour of mine. Turns out she's engaged to a man called Trevor. I was like, "I wonder what Trevor's all about."

Clicked on Trevor's profile. I did a deep dive on Trev. Don't do it. He's boring. But Trevor's got a dog. And he's made a little profile for the dog. So I clicked on the dog's profile. Suddenly it's 4:00 in the morning. I'm at Trevor's third cousin's wedding in Mexico. And Trevor's not even there. Is this a life? I like this thing, what tough guys do on social media. When they're in a bad mood or they've fallen out with someone in their personal life, they'll do this thing where they'll post a picture of a dangerous animal, and they'll have a quote about loyalty on it.

Uh-oh. I saw this guy the other day put a picture of a lion with a quote up. The quote said, "I'm loyal to my core. If you cross me, you'll find out my bite is way stronger than your bark." I was just like, "Did the neighbors park you in again, Gary? Like the lion you are, you've taken straight to Facebook. Slow down, Mufasa. You're scaring us." I'm terrified of sharks. I was up the other night about 3:00 in the morning watching a shark program on YouTube. Healthy stuff.

The guy hosting it, though, he was like, "Do you know sharks are more scared of us than we are of them?" I was like, "Really?" I don't think sharks stay up all night watching documentaries about me. Later in the show, he's like, "Last year, there was only 60 unprovoked shark attacks worldwide." 60 unprovoked. What's a provoked shark attack? Who's doing that? Sounds like the worst bachelor party ever. Let's go to California, boys.

Find a great white and just start. Dressing the groom up as a seal. Like, "Whoo!" Shark's like, "Will you stop provoking me?!" I like to watch football. My, uh-- My new favorite thing is to watch fellow fat men watch football. Something amazing about watching a man who couldn't open his fridge without taking a breather. shouting at a television screen, telling a 22-year-old multimillionaire athlete that he's a complete waste of space. I like the victory people feel when their team wins, like they contribute.

"We did it. We won. We-- We're the best." You didn't do anything. You drank 14 pints. You have ketchup on your chin. It's your child's birthday. Go home. I've started boxing. You can't tell. [Chuckles] [Giggling] There's this guy at my gym, though. He doesn't leave me alone. He's always sweating. He's topless. I've never seen him exercise. First time I was in there, though, he appeared from the shadows and he was like, "What are you training for?"

I was like, "What do you mean?" He's like, "You want a six-pack? You want to get hench?" I was like, "I just want a chin., actually. Just, uh. just one chin would do. He does this thing, though, when I'm punching the punch bag. He comes up behind me and grabs my arms and starts punching the punch bag with my arms. He shouts really encouraging abuse at me. He's like, "Carry on like this, people won't call you Jon Snow Globe behind your back anymore."

I'm like, "Who's been calling me that?" He did this for about 10 minutes the other day. He's like, "Any questions?" I was like, "Yeah. When are you not here?" Guys, I've been Red Richardson. Thank you so much. [Cheers and applause] Thank you very much. -Hey. That is fantastic. Come on. That is how you do it. That's how you do it right there! Red Richardson! "Bugatti Live" is available on YouTube!