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good morning um so i thought i'd sit down i looked tired i am i'm slept in like three days don't know why i thought we'd sit down and have a little bit of a chat i wanted to do this last week but i've kind of got away from me a little bit yeah just doing old-fashioned real talk sit down and talk about the last 12 months i've been doing a lot of reflecting i think a lot of people are it's coming up that like one year mark of you know so many of us just being locked up inside a house everything changing and um i'm finally processing it on a different kind of level gonna be a random stream of consciousness so if you don't like that kind of video you're not gonna like this when i look back in like 2020 when this all started
i had a lot of the very understandable emotional responses you know first denial and i would just fight it tooth and nail of what was happening the everything i'd worked for felt like it had been ripped away from me and nothing mattered anymore i and many others just got consumed by media stats like the hilarious tick tock is like sick of living through major historical events every other day it was a lot for all of us just to consume and you start doom scrolling on twitter if you haven't really been on twitter at all much lately uh because it's just so horrible i used to love twitter but then i found myself just scrolling and seeing all of this anger and upset and anxiety and i was like taking it all in i was like i need to stop this i really
need to stop this i stopped listening to the news really i was like i need to step back because it's just seeping into my soul and you know i spent most of 2020 just doubting everything fighting what was happening in my head and then obviously as you know i went and got therapy i did cognitive behavioral therapy and i had the most amazing therapist i feel so blessed to have had her and she helped me so damn much and it literally changed everything for me it was a stepping stone and you know right now it's really hard to plan and in all honesty when i'm looking now into the future we're starting to see some sort of light i'm still pessimistic as hell however you know let a little bit of light in it might help us out
i don't know what i want i no longer know what my dreams are i don't know where life is going to take me career-wise and all that kind of stuff and i haven't for the past year and that's what i was always fighting against because it's the whole looking out into the distance and just seeing this fog you just gotta walk into the fog and i have been walking through the fog for the past year and it still hasn't cleared that fog i still don't see my next steps but instead of letting that consume me with fear and anxiety i'm letting it excite me because i don't know what's coming next and that is exciting i've got to let that excite me and whilst i'm still in this fog cloud and i'm just walking through
i'm just trying to do everything that brings me joy sparks like that moments of energy inside of me things that i can play with and have fun with over the past year i've got into painting ebaying i've rekindled my love tenfold of reading and i've discovered i love fantasy novels and i'm falling into these incredible worlds there and i'm just doing things that spark me so much joy and fun and pleasure as much as i can instead of constantly trying to fight the fog that i'm in because the one big thing i learned in therapy is she was like why do you constantly feel you need to be achieving something because up until this point i've achieved a lot and it felt like what was happening was literally taking away what i had
achieved which is ridiculous because no matter what happens i've already achieved x y and zed i've done some incredible amazing things during this last couple of chapters few chapters of my life and whatever happens next does not and never will take away what i have built what i have achieved and realizing that and not getting so anxious about no we need to achieve we need to figure out our dreams what are our goals we need to like pick this up when we get out of this lockdown what are we going to do can we like save this channel what about our second and i had to you just got to stop i'm not posting as much on this channel which i know everyone is super understanding about because it's a travel channel and i
haven't traveled in a year and i do try and when i get some inspiration we do sit down have some fun and when you guys send me stuff like i got a letter in my po box and when i get postcards saying thank you so much your videos uh literally helping me escape right now during all of this crazy time it just it hits me it really does hit me and feels and i'm really glad and as so many of you have joined me on my second channel where i'm posting way more and over there we are talking about books we are literally spring cleaning the house and chatting and it's just fun it's just so much fun i've always got to remind myself we can't see the future i don't know what i want it's really disconcerting and sometimes
i still sometimes fight it i'm like my brain is like but what is next ally what are you going to do with your life but that's how i've always lived my life i went to university and then i decided i wanted to become a doctor and i worked my ass off i received awards for how hard literally an award for how hard i worked and got the best grade and then i took a chance and went to australia and then we just followed the fun and that led me to youtube full-time and for the past what six seven years i've been doing that six years been doing full-time that's a long time there was always something i could strive for there was always a sort of a future i felt i had in my control and i was always striving towards achieving something getting to
university once i got to university i got my degree and then when i left i had some fun but then it was like okay so we're gonna grow this youtube channel and then i need to make money from my youtube channel then i wrote a book and then i had to get that book published and then i hope that it would sell and then it became a bestseller i was always dreaming seeing things achieving always in that mindset and it's what landed me in therapy in the end because it consumed me the constant feeling of i always need to be doing saying i always need to be working i always need to achieve something bigger and better at some point and i must keep my eye on the prize no i don't and neither do you as times now i just sit and i
revel in things that i have done and i have seen and i have achieved instead of constantly just saying okay that was great now what's next i don't know what the point in this video is but if you are still stuck in this fog cloud and it feels like you just don't know where to go and all of your dreams are shattered and maybe you want to make new dreams i'm excited for those dreams to come man i'm excited for wherever life takes me next i really am but i can't see it i don't i still don't know and that's okay it doesn't matter it'll come i'll figure it out and the only way i'm going to figure that out is if i keep nourishing my soul looking after myself really focusing on my mental health because i'm not going to grow and
discover what i want and where i want to go next if i don't look after myself and neither will you and it's okay if it doesn't come today or tomorrow or next week or next month all you can do is survive in the moment of everything that is going on just survive you are surviving oh my god pat yourself on the back you are making it through this you are whether you feel like or not you are making it through this and you'll be all right it feels a lot of the time but try and do what you can to find that energy in something anything find that energy and have fun there's not been much fun this past year for a lot of us no fun not allowed sorry if you can find fun and the joy in the small things reading a book getting into a new genre
book like i have painting like whatever you want to do so yeah i've kind of embraced the slow life my life was anything but slow for like a decade before this you know what i might as well just enjoy it i might as well enjoy and embrace this slow life of pottering around the house yeah it's getting on my nerves of course getting on everyone's nerves we'll make it through it'll be okay borders will open again charity shops all the joys are out there in life and they will come back to us right now i'm just embracing what i can i've just come to this realization that i don't know what i want in life anymore which is a very bizarre feeling for me to have as i always seem to know what kind of direction i want to go in
life's always been exciting and fast-paced and the fact that i don't know now what my future holds all right cool sounds exciting it could be anything let's reinvent ourselves it could literally be anything i'm having a lot of fun over on my second channel and i love the videos when i am inspired to do them on this channel but i don't know what's gonna happen i try to let you know that's okay it's all right i literally ain't got a clue i ain't got a clue so yeah i just don't want anyone to feel like they're super alone i feel we've come so far through this i don't want anyone to be like oh by now i should have figured it out no we're still in the thick of this we are and there's gonna be so many parts of
your life we like i don't know what i'm gonna do all right well that's exciting because think will come you know what it'll be see it's exciting i don't know maybe we'll look back on this video in like two years time like wow we didn't see it going there that'll be a fun one to do um anyway see ya i'm gonna try and get some sleep today i was gonna try and stay away till tonight but my body is literally like ali can we just sleep through to tonight then tonight maybe i'll do that i'll get a sense to put up for you though today um because i miss you on this channel but don't forget i do have some channels link down below and i upload twice a week there and we do have some fun so come and join us and um yeah one day a time everyone
one day at a time i am making promises i ain't got a setting any goals because i don't know that's all right so i'll love you and leave you and um thanks for joining me on this random stream of consciousness no idea what i said no idea at all um so loving leaving shutting up and uh i'll see you on the next one on this channel i'll see you over my second channel alright
