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Have you ever wanted to do something or needed to do something but just could not make yourself do it? Not because you didn't care or didn't want to, but because you simply didn't have the capacity. Today, I've got a framework that helps explain that experience and might help shift how you relate to your energy, your needs, and your boundaries. You're listening to Relish, the podcast for people ready to stop chasing self-improvement and start savoring their lives. If you're tired of the hamster wheel of healing and hungry for more joy, presence, and meaning, you're in the right place. Hey, it's Alyssia. Welcome back to Relish. This podcast is about learning to live with more presence and self-rust and compassion, especially in
a world that often expects us to operate like we all have the same capacity all the time. And today's quick bite is about that. It's about something called spoon theory. This is a powerful metaphor that many people with chronic illness, disabilities, neurode divergence have found incredibly validating and useful. I use it all the time myself. Before we dive in, if you enjoy Relish, please follow or subscribe, download the episode, and if it resonates, I appreciate you leaving a five-star rating and review. That support really helps the show grow. Okay, so let's talk spoons. What is Spoon Theory? Spoon Theory was created by a Christine Miserandino. I'm not sure about the pronunciation, but that's the name I read. and they live with lupus.
And originally she shared this metaphor after a friend asked what it was really like to live with chronic illness. And as the story goes, they were sitting at a cafe and Christine realized that words alone were not capturing the experience. So she reached over and grabbed spoons from all the nearby tables and used them to tell a story. She explained that each spoon represented a unit of energy. So simple daily tasks like getting dressed, making food, going to work, each required giving up one or more spoons. And unlike people without chronic illness, she could not assume that her energy would reset easily. So once the spoons were gone, they were gone.
What makes the metaphor so powerful for me is it makes invisible effort visible. It helps people understand that capacity is not endless, at least for some people, and energy must be rationed and that living will sometimes means choosing which things you spend your spoons on. So the idea is pretty simple. You start the day with a finite number of spoons. Every task costs some amount of spoons. And once your spoons are gone, they're gone. And really crucial to the metaphor, not everyone starts with the same number of spoons and not every task costs the same amount for every person.
So that's kind of highlevel spoon theory. While it originated for the chronic illness community, I find it incredibly useful for understanding neurode divergence um including autism and ADHD because many of the things that deplete energy for neurode divergent people are not always visible or socially acknowledged for that matter. But I've also seen it can be a helpful tool for neurotypical people as well because the truth is we all have divergent uh capacities and needs capacity throughout our various systems with things can vary like executive functioning, sensory input, transitions, decision making, social interaction. We can each experience all these differently and they can quietly or not so quietly drain our spoons in ways that
other people might never even notice. So think of spoons as energy capacity or uh like nervous system bandwidth. Every activity has a cost. So, some common spoon costing activities, showering, cooking, going to a doctor's appointment, answering messages, being around other humans, making decisions, switching tasks, uh being on a computer screen. And a key part of this is the cost is personal. So, for me, I'll give an example. A very spoon depleting activity is packing a suitcase. And I used to have a lot of shame around this. It can take me still to this day hours, sometimes most of the day, sometimes 8 hours, okay, to pack a suitcase. I think my ADHD and autism likely play a role here. But this involves planning, sequencing, deciding,
organizing, executive functioning, anticipating future needs. This is a lot. Now, one of my sisters, okay, she can pack a suitcase in about 30 minutes, sometimes literally the morning before she even leaves for the airport. This is not me. And for a long time, I thought I had this meaning, this story that something was wrong with me because of this. But spoon theory actually helped me see, oh, packing a suitcase is a task that simply costs me more spoons than maybe most people, than my sister, for sure. And something else important for me to recognize was there are some things that cost her more spoons than they do for me. So there's no moral meaning in that. It's not a character
flaw. It's not laziness. It's capacity. So, some people find cooking really depleting. Some find showering exhausting. Some find socializing really costly. Some find leaving the house overwhelming. And others might find those same things really neutral or even energizing. But the spoon theory can help us stop asking, you know, why can't I do this like everybody else can? It takes us out of shame and starts asking, "How much does this cost me?" That shift out of comparison can dismantle so much unnecessary shame and help us come into self-acceptance and curiosity about our own needs. So, I often ask myself a question that's very aligned with spoon theory. It's will this raise or reduce my energy when I'm deciding if
I want to do something or if I'm deciding if I can do something. Spoon theory kind of gives language to that. So you can ask how many spoons do I have today? And it's not about finding a number but just being aware of your capacity. How many spoons will this take metaphorically? Do I need to ration or prioritize based on whatever else is happening? and what actually helps me refill my spoons. For me, this shows up very practically in my calendar. I cannot stack too many high spoon activities in one day. And after something that drains me, I need intentional recovery time. And not everything refills spoons equally. For me, the only thing that will really refill my spoons is time. And it's got
to be time doing something restorative. It's either going to be sleeping, being in nature, maybe meditating, being by myself. And once my spoons are gone, they're gone. I cannot like mindset my way out of it. I can't push harder without consequences. I used to think I could, but that understanding has helped me stop overriding my body into a constant burnout and learn to start working with it in this system as it is. This is a part of how I have practiced getting to know myself and accept myself and love myself. This is meeting myself where I'm at. One of the things I love most about spoon theory is how it helps me with communication and advocating for myself. So sometimes it's easier for me to say like gh I don't have the spoons for that
then I don't have the energy because sometimes we forget that different things cost each of us different amounts of energy. So with people in my life who understand the metaphor, the spoons can help me communicate without needing to say it like this is real. It's not personal and I really just need to reset before I can engage. It can also make boundaries feel clearer and less charged. In my experience, this has helped with my work boundaries as well. So for example, screen time is very depleting for me. It takes a lot of spoons and I've learned I really shouldn't have more than 4 hours of screen time per day, especially calls. And that helps me budget my calls throughout my days and week. If I have a
day where I have more than that, uh I know that I'm going to need more rest off the next day. I just cannot keep pushing. I used to try. I've seen what happens when I do push. I burn out. I deplete myself. So, a little reflection for you to sit with at the end of this episode here is what tends to cost you the most spoons and what helps you refill them. Get curious. There's not a right or wrong, but getting to know your spoons is about getting to know yourself. All right, so that's your little quick bite for today. I hope it's helpful. Again, spoon theory is a metaphor for limited variable energy. Not everyone's got the same amount of spoons. Not every task costs the same amount for every
person. And understanding your spoons can reduce shame and support boundaries and help you plan with compassion. If this supported you, I appreciate you following, subscribing, leave us a little fivestar rating or review. That really helps us reach more people. And if someone came to mind while listening that you think would find this valuable, please share it. For many people, spoon theory is the first time they realize like, "Oh my gosh, nothing's wrong with me. I just have a different capacity." All right, until next time, my friends. Be present, be embodied, and relish your life.
