17:25
Hi. Hello, hi, TED people. I'm Mike Albo. I'm so excited to be here in Hotlanta. Do they still call it that, or is that insulting? I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm here to talk about our smartphones and how they control our. Oh, dear. Oh, gosh, I just got a really alarming text from my bank. Do you mind if I just --? This will just take a second, I'm sorry. (Machine) Hello. Thank you for calling American Bank. For English, please press 1.
(Spanish) For Spanish, please press 2. To report a card lost or stolen, or to report suspicious activity on your account, press 1. We are experiencing heavy traffic. Please hold for the next available representative. Your call is -- Danny: Hello, thank you for calling American Bank. This is Danny. How may I help you? Mike Albo: Hi, I just received a text that there's a foreign charge on my account. D: Yes, I'll be happy to assist you with that, Mr. Albo.
May I have the last four digits of your social security number? MA: 1734. D: Thank you, Mr. Albo. Yes, it appears there has been some suspicious activity. To validate your account, I will need to confirm recent transactions over the last 24 hours. Is that OK with you, Mr. Albo? MA: Yes. D: Did you purchase a smoothie in Philadelphia yesterday at 6am for $1.50? MA: Weird, no. D: Did you purchase a bubble tea in Puerto Vallarta today at 8am for $0.00? MA: I did not. D: Did you purchase a chopped salad in Toronto yesterday at 8:30am for $0.37?
MA: I did not. D: OK, yes, it seems your account has been hacked. If you allow me to continue with your transactions over the last 24 hours, Mr. Albo, just to make sure. MA: OK. (Whispering) Sorry. D: Did you purchase two organic chicken breasts, brown rice and a head of broccoli at Whole Foods for $28.11 at 4:59pm yesterday? MA: Yes, I know, so expensive. D: Did you purchase a bottle of wine for $11.50 at Smith Street Wine and Liquor at 5:12pm yesterday?
MA: Yes. D: And then did you purchase drinks at Loco Coco Saloon for $14 at 5:35pm? MA: No. Wait. Oh, yeah, I was with this guy, Jeff. I was trying to meet someone in public before I -- Anyway, yes. D: Did you purchase a monthly membership renewal on Grindr? MA: Yeah. D: Did you purchase an auto-renewal membership on Scruff? MA: Yes, I must have. D: Then at 9:30pm, did you purchase another bottle of wine from Vino Nino Wine Company on Atlantic Avenue?
MA: Yes. D: And did you do this because you didn't want the guys at Smith Street Wine to see you buying more wine on the same day? MA: Yes, but -- D: And did you go home and eat while standing up at the sink? MA: Yes, I did, but how did you know that? D: And then did you order "Call Me By Your Name" on iTunes for $7.99 and then finally watch it because you have avoided watching it because as a gay man pushing 50, you don't want to get upset seeing young, gorgeous men in love?
MA: Yes, I did. D: And then at the end, did you burst into tears, but then go look in the mirror to see how you look when you cry shirtless and then purchase a Peloton membership? MA: Yes. D: And then did you take a photo of your torso in the mirror because you realized your abs look good when you are heaving with tears? MA: Yes. D: Did you pick up your phone for the 800th time that day, empty of emotion but still feeling a deep, lonely ache?
MA: Yes. D: And scroll through Scruff having a number of pointless conversations with headless torsos -- MA: Yes. D: Drinking your previously purchased wine until you were so sloshed -- MA: Yes. D: And you cried by yourself, no one else there, just you, a low-income, single gay man that no one wants to hear from in society since you are over 40 and make less than $30,000 a year? MA: Yes. D: And then did you pass out, staring at yet another hot man on your screen you will never meet in person, and then wake up and look at your phone and realize with horror that you are late to get to the airport
to go to Atlanta for this TED Next event? MA: I did. D: And barely got to the airport on time and landed in Atlanta, got to the Uber and checked Scruff and Grindr again to see if there are any hot guys in Atlanta, because this town is indeed full of very sexy men? MA: I did, I did, and they are, they are. D: And then you got to the venue and ran out of the Uber and rushed backstage with your phone in your hand and brought it up on stage with you and then just now, walking on stage, looked down again to see if there were any hot guys to meet right here in the audience and saw that we, American Bank, had contacted you by text to ask about potential fraudulent purchases on your account.
MA: I did, I did. D: Well, Mr. Albo, it seems your transactions are in order. We will cancel the card, and you can expect a new one in the next six to 10 business days. MA: Six to 10 business days? D: Is there anything else I can help you with? MA: No, thanks, Danny. D: Thank you, Mr. Albo. We very much appreciate your continued patronage of American Bank. Also, you are a drunk, gay tramp. Goodbye. MA: Hey. Well, I guess I am.
Oh, and my time's out. Well, thank you. (Cheers and applause)
