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The scariest thing about Halloween is how big pumpkin has hijacked the holiday to make you think jack-o'-lanterns can only be made with one thing. Well, today we're going to jack back and I'm going to show Kevin, you left your cushion and your vape and ketchup on the counter. You suck at cooking. Yeah, you totally suck. Now, if you want to use one of the trillions of pumpkins pumped out of the corporate dirt factories every year to make a classic jack-o'-lantern, be my guest. But, what you don't want to do is use a knife like this or you'll end up as a horror Halloween lawn decoration in one quick slip. Get one of these pumpkin carving knives, which is basically a dull mini saw, which is very effective
and far less stabby. Now, you can cut the top off, scoop out the guts, and cut some facial features into it, but it's far easier to just throw your pumpkin against the wall. If you own a baby, you can break your pumpkin down into tiny pumpkins so they can carve their own jack-o'-lantern and start learning about not being lazy. It's squash season and let me tell you, getting the guts out of the squash is way easier than a pumpkin. So, if you're into taking shortcuts and not building character, I highly recommend. If you want to do something fancier with the carving, it's best to draw the outline with a pencil like these fancy eyes and these giant scary teeth. Then, just cut along the lines and bam, squack-o'-lantern.
Halloween? More like hollow-weaning out this eggplant, am I right? We'll cut out some sexy eyes and some alluring lips and create this mysterious yet highly datable eggplaco-lantern. Careful, she's dangerous. Now, if you don't have an eggplant, you can use an egg. You have to sub very gently until you get lucky and it cracks apart nearly perfectly. Just remove that ectoplasm and grab your drill. Now, I'm no drilling expert, but I'm pretty sure it says somewhere in the manual that you shouldn't drill directly toward your hand. And just like that, you've got your fresh, new eggjac-o'-lantern. Do you know that trick where you just pop that pepper and pull the top out? That's the first step
when making this timeless classic, the unconventional yet deceptively friendly pepper-o'-lantern. I can't think of one singular reason why the pomagrac-o'-lantern never took off, especially since it gives free fake blood that will ruin every single thing you own, present, past, and future. Now is a great time to take a crisp autumnal walk and remember that everything dies. A rookie mistake when using a zucchini is to cut from the bottom like a coward because it's wider and easier. We're going to jack this zucchini the way the holy pumpkin lords intended until we end up with the life of the party, the
zukak-o'-lantern. This one also looks nice with a couple decorative pumpkins. Now, take a second to admire the ever-accumulating vegetable guts soup. If you've got a real smart-aleck kid in your neighborhood, take the holy grail of Halloween candy, the full-size chocolate bar, then fill the package with raisins. Then, sleep peacefully imagining the disappointment on that little prick's face when he opens it. And now it's time for the carrot, also known as the carac-o'-lantern. And I know I'm going on a bit of a tanjac-o'-lantern here, but the oil companies really love the grape frac-o'-lantern, which is not nearly as ominous as the mac-o'-lantern and definitely not as cute as the apple-o'-lantern, which takes a bit of
the sting out of the strawbac-o'-lantern being a bit of a failure, which contrasts with the great success known as the grapp-o'-lantern. And remember, you don't have to confine yourself to produce. Expand your mind, man, and dazzle your friends and family with the elusive yet impressive crack-o'-lantern. Jack-o'-lantern, where you going? What you think about when you're rolling? Jack-o'-lantern, what's it like to spend your life giving kids a fright? Your face caved in when you're hit with a bat, thrown off a bridge, on the road you smash, thrown in the compost, set a flame, back to the ground from whence you came, back to the ground from whence you came.
