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Do you ever freeze or avoid speaking or simply stay quiet because you're not sure that other people will understand what you're going to say? If you've ever experienced any of these fears, this lesson is for you. Today, we're going to look at seven real life situations that normally cause individuals like you, English learners, to be afraid. and I'm going to give you the mind shifts you need to start speaking with confidence in each of the situations. Are you ready? Well, then let's jump right in. We're going to be looking at situation. Starting with our first one, ordering at a restaurant. Now, this is something you've probably done before, and this is something that may have caused you to be
afraid as well. Here's the situation. I want you to imagine the server asks you how you want your eggs or what kind of bread or if you want it for here or to go. Now you heard them, you know the words, but the pause is already too long and you just say yeah and hope it all works out. Instead of taking your time to truly give the answer you want, you just say yeah. Now where does this fear come from? What is the source of this fear? You see the fear of holding up a transaction and becoming the person who slows things down in a line of people who expected this to be quick. That is the fear that holds you back from truly answering the way you'd like to. Here's the thing. There are three reasons why
this fear is so aggressive. Fear reason number one. The server as you're looking at him or her is visibly in a hurry and you can feel the rhythm of the line behind you which turns a two second pause into a public event. You don't want to be that person holding everyone up but you can see that a server is trying to move you along. The second reason you've been trained to think of English conversation as something you should be able to keep up with. So needing an extra second feels like you are falling behind and you don't want to fall behind. You want to use the English that you know. The third reason why this is such a big fear and why this fear takes hold is saying the wrong thing and
getting the wrong order feels less embarrassing than asking them to repeat the question because one is private and the other is witnessed. You think to yourself, "Okay, the order might be wrong, but at least no one will be looking at me." I need you though to change your mindset. Here's the mindset shift I need you to take because you are an intelligent individual. You see, currently, this is how you're thinking. I'm holding up the line, but I want you to shift this mindset to I'm a customer answering a question. And taking two seconds to answer is exactly what this interaction is for. Be easy on yourself. You're not just an English learner. You are an individual. You're a human being. And
when you're going to place an order, it is natural to say, "Hm, I need to think about this." Or, "Hm, I missed that. Can you repeat that, please?" So, here's what I want you to do. Here are the steps how to make this shift. Step number one, before you walk in, decide your order ahead of time, including the likely follow-up questions like for here or to go or what kind of bread. And I want you to write the answers down if you need to. Again, you're prepping for the situation before you get there. And this will cause the fear to be smaller, less, it'll be diminished. Here's the second thing you need to do. I want you to for the questions you couldn't predict, rehearse
one buying time phrase at home. For example, ah, give me one second. You're going to say this calmly and not flustered. This is your backup for when your prep runs out. So, step one is you have things in mind, what you want to order. Step two is just in case they ask you a question you're not prepared for, you have this phrase. Ah, give me one second. And the third step is I want you to the next time you order, use your prep for the predictable questions and your phrase for the surprise ones. Between the two, you never actually need the silent pause you used to fear. Listen, the silent pause is real. Yes. And there are going to be times when you go to a restaurant and you're trying to
order something and it just seems like you can't get it out. But then remember this mind shift for ordering at a restaurant. Okay, I know what I'm going to order. I have my extra phrase in case I forget. And let me put it into practice. Here's situation number two. Being asked how are you and meaning it. When someone asks, "How are you?" and you actually give them an honest answer. Let me break this down. A coworker stops and actually asks, "You're not fine. You had a rough morning, but explaining it in English feels like too much work, so you say, "I'm good." And you? And then you keep walking. You didn't answer
honestly. You just said, "I'm good. How about you?" You see, what is the source of this fear? Here's the source of the fear. the fear that your honest answer will come out smaller or flatter or more dramatic than you mean it. And you'd rather not be seen at all than be seen inaccurately. This is one that really hits home for me. So, as your English teacher, my job, my desire, my goal is to help you improve your English. The reason I'm so passionate about this is because I understand how you feel. I speak Korean. It's my second language. And I remember this exact emotion again, feeling like, hey, I can't really express what I'm thinking in Korean. I may use the wrong words and then they'll misunderstand me.
So, this fear is real. I understand. Let's break this fear down even more, though. Why does the fear take hold? Reason number one, in your language, you have a 100 shades between fine and terrible. But in English, you really only have access to a few, and none of them fit what you actually feel. When the person asks you the question, your coworker, you're thinking, "I'm not angry. I'm not really frustrated, but I can't find the word that encapsulates what I'm feeling in English, and I don't want to say the wrong thing." Reason number two, being vulnerable in a second language means risking that the listener interprets your emotion wrong, which feels worse than not sharing it. I don't want to be
misunderstood. I don't want the person to misinterpret what I said. So instead, I'll just say, "I'm good. How about you?" This is where the fear comes from. And then the second or third reason is workplace small talk has an unwritten pace and a real answer would break the pace in a way that feels inappropriate even when you want to give one. So you're thinking to yourself, ah I really want to explain how I'm feeling but if I explain it will take too long and then maybe they're going to walk away or maybe they're going to get bored. So the fear stays with you and you don't give an honest response. I need you to change your mindset. Here is the mindset shift.
I want you to go from my real answer is too much for this moment to thinking this. I can give one honest sentence h for example honestly rough morning. And after giving this one honest sentence, I can trust that one sentence I gave is enough to be seen. You see the shift, right? Instead of h my answer's too long, now it's no. How can I condense? How can I make my situations shorter? How can I give one sentence that's honest to help my coworker understand how I feel? This mindset shift is so important because no longer do you look at yourself as a bad English speaker. You're changing your mindset to realize I have the information. I just need to put it and deliver it well. How can you do this?
Here's step one. How to make this shift. Step one is pick three oneline honest answers to keep ready. For example, honestly rough morning or actually pretty good today or tired but okay. I want you to rehearse them out loud until they feel like yours. Practice these three responses so that when your coworker asks you, you can respond quickly. Here's step two. When you wake up, decide which one of your three matches how you actually feel that day. Carry it in your pocket like a ready answer. You've already chosen, so you won't freeze when you're asked. Now you feel confident because you've prepared. You know what you'll say when someone asks you, "How are you?" And step three, the next time a coworker
asks, say the sentence you picked that morning. Don't explain. Don't soften. just land it and see that nothing breaks. Most of the time the person will actually lean in. They'll say, "Oh, really? Uh, tell me a little bit more if you had a rough morning. Oh, what happened?" There'll be followup questions. This is how you change your mindset and move forward and stop freezing. Situation number three, the group chat you never reply to. Now, this happens quite often, so let me break this one down. So, your friends are joking around. And you can follow every message in the group chat. You start typing
something, then you read it back. It sounds flat, so you delete it. Someone else makes the joke you almost made. You didn't write it because you feared that you'd be misunderstood, that it wouldn't land properly. What is the source of this fear? The fear of being the one who quote unquote ruins the vibe, whose message lands one beat off and kills the energy of a conversation that was flowing without you. This is where this fear comes from. Ah, I don't want to be that person. We're in the group chat and I put a message but it didn't really land right. You don't want to be that person. So, I want us to look at why though. Why is this fear even there? Because you are intelligent. You are an interesting
person. Why does this fear take hold? Reason number one, humor in a group chat depends on rhythm and you're hyper aware, very aware that your message might arrive with the right words but the wrong timing. So the fear sets in. Ah, if I don't do it right or say it at the right time, it's not going to work. And so the fear starts to build up. Reason number two, reading your own message back, you can hear how it sounds like a non-native speaker trying to be funny. And that's worse than saying nothing. You're constantly staying in your head like, "I don't want to be that person. It's not going to land right. I sound like a non-native speaker." Reason number three, the silence of not
replying is invisible, but a flat message is visible evidence. And you'd rather stay invisible than leave evidence. This is why the fear takes hold. Hey, nobody can see if I don't type anything. Nobody knows that I'm going back and forth vacasillating in my mind. Should I write or should I not write? This is why the fear is so real. I need you to change your mindset though because you're so intelligent. You're amazing. Here's the mindset. that I need you to have the mindset shift from if it's not funny, I shouldn't send it to showing up in the chat is the point. A present friend beats a perfectly timed one. Be present. Even if your joke doesn't land,
that's totally okay. Be a part of the conversation. And again, I'm speaking to myself. I remember what I went through when I was learning Korean. There were moments when I just like you would just be quiet. The fear set in. I'll just be silent. No one will know. I'll just say something short. I won't go into anything in detail. So, let me tell you how to do this. Here is step one. Lower the bar from funny to simply being present. A haha moment changes to a same or a reaction emoji. They all count. Decide how you want to do it. But decide now that these are real replies, not cheating. So saying haha or lol or putting an emoji, these are response.
You're staying with the conversation. Step number two, pick one chat and commit to using your lowbar replies on three messages a day for a week. You're not trying to be funny yet. You're just proving to yourself that showing up doesn't break anything. So again, you can give your short responses. LOL, haha. Oh, I feel the same. Commit to doing that for one chat. Step number three. Once that week feels normal, upgrade one of your daily replies to a real sentence. You're not starting over. You're adding one layer on top of the habit you already built. I want you to notice something as we're going through these mind shifts. What's happening? I'm trying to help you realize it's important for you to be
easy on yourself. As an English learner, there's already so much pressure you're putting on yourself. You're learning a new language, but be easy on yourself. Week number one in the group chat, write a short response, but be involved in the conversation. Then after that, make it a little bit longer. Stay involved. Situation number four, asking a follow-up question to the doctor. Now, there are going to be situations when you have to go to see a doctor. Here's the situation in more detail.
They explain something, the doctor, and you mostly understood, but one part is unclear. You know, if you ask, they'll rephrase it and you'll get it. But instead, you say, "Okay, thank you." and Google it when you get in the car. Instead of asking them to say it again, you just say, "Okay, thanks." And then you go to your car and look on your phone. Again, another situation. I can definitely say, "I understand." I remember very vividly going to the doctor when I was in Korea. I could understand about 90% of what he was saying, but I was missing about 10% and I was so nervous. I was afraid. The fear set in. I didn't want to ask him. I didn't want to be that individual. So here's the question. What is the source
of this fear? The source of the fear is becoming or being perceived as not intelligent enough to follow medical information from a person whose respect you want. Again, I understand. I'm an African-American woman, proud African-American woman. I was in South Korea. I was speaking with a South Korean doctor. I did not want the doctor to think less of me like, "Oh, okay. This African-American woman can speak Korean, but it's not as good. I'm telling you, I understand the feeling. I understand the fear. So, why, my friend, does this fear take hold? Reason number one, doctors move fast and you don't want to be the patient who needs extra time because that role comes with a quiet stigma you felt before. Ah, you're that person. You need more time.
You don't want that feeling. You don't want the doctor to look at you in that way. Reason number two, admitting you didn't follow something feels like admitting your English failed you in a room where your health is on the line. And that's a bigger admission than you want to make. You don't want to say, "Ah, my English failed me. This is a situation where I need to know and I need to understand my health is important. There's so many things going on in your mind." This is why the fear takes hold. Reason number three, you'd rather figure it out alone and stay the easy patient than be the one who needed things repeated even when the stakes are your own body. These are the reasons why the fear takes hold. But I need you to
change your mindset. Here's the mindset shift I need you to have from asking again makes me look slow to this is my body and I'm paying for this appointment which will lead me to ask can you explain that part again this is what a good patient says so you're going from oh if I ask again it makes me look slow to no I'm the patient and this doctor does want to help me and my body is important it's okay for me to ask for clarification It's okay for me to ask the doctor to say it again. You need to change your mindset. How can you do this? Step one, the night before the appointment, write down your three most important questions on paper. Bring the paper into the room with you. Doctors
see this constantly and they respect it. You writing your questions down and bringing that paper to the doctor's office is not going to indicate that your English is not good. It actually shows the doctor you care about your health. Step number two, underneath your questions, write one clarifying phrase you can reach for in the moment. For example, ah, can you explain that part again? Or I want to make sure I understand. You're saying dot. Now, your paper holds both your questions and your backup. And finally, step three, I want you to in the appointment, pull out the paper as soon as the doctor finishes explaining. Ask your written questions first. Use your clarifying phrase the first time
something is unclear. The paper carries the pressure so you, my friend, don't have to. You'll be surprised how much this is going to help you. Having that paper in your hand, it's going to feel like your security blanket. The fear is going to go away. It's going to subside. You're going to feel confident as you're at your appointment with your doctor. The doctor is going to see you as an individual who cares about their health. Situation number five, the cashier makes small talk. Now, there are going to be situations when you have to actually go to the store and purchase things and someone is going to ask you a question or start making small talk. Here's the
breakdown. So, the cashier says, "Hey, any big plans this weekend?" Now, you do have plans, interesting ones, but building the sentence feels like too much for a 10-second interaction. So, instead, you just say, "Not really. you you see you didn't answer the question because you thought you might speak too long and it wasn't appropriate for a 10-second interaction. Now, what is the source of this fear? The source is the fear that building a real sentence in a micro interaction is too much. That you'll invest effort in a moment that doesn't warrant it and end up looking like you're trying hard. You don't want to be that person. So, you just say, "Hey, uh, what about you?" "Not really.
What about you?" I want to tell you the three reasons why this fear takes hold. Reason number one, small talk has a low emotional ceiling, and putting real effort into it feels like wearing a suit to the grocery store. You just feel like you're doing too much. Remember, this is the source. This is why the fear takes hold of you. You feel like, "Ah, I'm going to be doing too much." Reason number two, you're estimating how long your real answer would take to construct and the math never works out in 10 seconds. You're constantly in your head. Reason number three, there's a quiet belief that natural English speakers, native speakers, answer these questions without thinking. So thinking about it
all feels like failing the test. But this is not true. We native English speakers actually take time to think as well. Like, huh, how I guess I'm doing okay. It's okay to pause. So, here's the mindset shift I need you to have right now. Here's the mindset shift. The thing is, I want you to go from my answer has to match the size of the moment to small talk rewards one detail, not a full story. So say the small detail like yeah seeing friends and realize that this is enough. Small talk does not require a full story but you can still give a small detail. How do you do this? How do you prepare? How do you make this mindset shift? Here's step one. I want you to build a small bank of one detail
answers for the three most common cashier questions. For example, uh you got plans for the weekend or how's your day or doing anything fun? Now, one sentence each as a response. For example, yeah, seeing friends or just errands, honestly, or having dinner with my mom. You're responding. You're not giving the full story, but you're giving one fact or one detail that answers the question. Step two. Now, before you walk into a store, quickly pick which of your three answers is actually true today. You're not inventing anything in the moment. You're just choosing which prepared detail fits for today. And finally, step three, when the cashier asks, give your pre-chosen detail instead of not really as a response. You see, you already did the work at home
and in your head. The only new part is letting the sentence leave your mouth. This is powerful. Notice the common thread as we're talking about how to make these mindset shifts, preparing at home, getting the short, concise responses, realizing it's totally okay because native English speakers do the exact same thing. So remember for these cashier small talk conversations, prepare ahead of time. Situation number six. Someone says what after you speak. You've said something and someone says, "Huh?" or "What?" Let me explain in a little bit more detail. You said it fine the first time.
You said it correctly. Now you have to repeat it. and you can already feel yourself about to speak quieter, not louder. And you know that's going to make it worse. All of a sudden, you're feeling a bit uncomfortable because they asked you to repeat yourself like what? Like they missed what you said. So what's the source of this fear? When someone asks you and says what? And you kind of get quieter. What is the source of this fear? The source is the fear of having your pronunciation audited in real time with an audience and no way to pretend it didn't happen. You said something incorrectly, not with the right pronunciation. And now you have to say it again and now someone's listening and they could potentially
judge you. This is the source of your fear. But why does this fear even take hold? You're learning a new language. Why are you so afraid? Reason number one, the what question is neutral, but your brain immediately translates it into your English is hard to understand. And now you're defending yourself against something they didn't actually say. Maybe they said what because they just didn't hear what you said or they were thinking about something and they missed it. But your brain translates it to my English isn't good. They didn't understand my pronunciation. Reason number two, repeating yourself feels like a spotlight. The second attempt gets more attention than the first, and every syllable becomes
evidence, like, "Oh no, they're paying attention to everything I'm saying now. Oh no." And this is why the fear takes hold. Reason number three, your voice gets quieter because part of you wants to disappear before the second what question happens. And that reflex is stronger than logic. You're trying to protect yourself, but my friend, I need you to change your mindset. Remember, you are intelligent. You're amazing. Change your mindset. Here's the mindset shift I want you to have from what that question meaning that your English is broken to what just meaning they didn't hear me so I need to repeat it louder not smaller. Stop thinking, "Oh, when
they say what, it's because my English isn't good, and I need you to think, huh, they just didn't hear me." Or, "Huh, they just want me to repeat it again." How can you make this mindset shift? Step one, rehearse this rule out loud until it's automatic. Here's the rule. If they say what, I repeat it louder and slower, not quieter. Say it five times in a row right now. If they say what, I repeat it louder and slower, not quieter. One more time with me. If they say what, I repeat it louder and slower, not quieter. Step number two. Now, practice the actual behavior at home. I want you to stand across the room from someone, say a short sentence, have them say, "What?" and repeat it
louder. Do this three or four times. You're training the reflex, not the logic. You're trying to help yourself realize, hey, it's okay to repeat yourself louder with confidence. If they say what, they just want to hear what you said again. Step number three, in a real moment, your job is just to notice the shrinking instinct and do what you already practiced in step two. You don't need courage. You just need muscle memory. And you've already built it. This is why it's so powerful. Before you come to a situation, practice at home. Find a brother, a sister, a mother, father, your wife, your husband, anybody around you, your speaking partner, your language partner, and practice doing
this. What? Okay, let me just repeat it louder and I'll repeat it one more time. Situation number seven, telling a story at a party. Now, this happens where you go to a party, you go to an event with your friends, and you're telling a story. This is the situation explained. You start telling something that happened to you, but partway through you realize you don't know the word for a key detail. You rush the ending, the punchline lands flat, and someone says, "Oh, cool." and they just turn away. The story landed flat. In this situation, there is fear. What is the source of the fear in this situation? You see, the fear of being boring in English, of being the person whose stories don't land in a language where your
personality can't show up the way it does at home. For me, as your English teacher, I'm actually a very humorous person. I'm very funny. I make great jokes. I know how to get people to laugh. When I was learning Korean, I had to wait to let that side show because I had to learn a little bit more of the language. So, you may experience this fear too, like, ah, I feel like I'm boring when I speak English. I'm actually a very interesting person, but I just can't get it out in English. So, why does this fear take hold? Reason number one, stories need specificity to work and the missing word is almost always the specific one. So you end up telling a generic version of a specific
experience. And this is why the fear sets in like ah this is not really the story but I can't get it out the way I want to. Reason number two, you can hear yourself losing the room in real time. And there's no way to recover without drawing attention to the fact that you lost it. And reason number three, at home, you're the one people listen to. Here though, you're the one people politely wait out. And that gap is its own kind of grief. Like, ah, I can tell this person doesn't want to listen to this story anymore. I can tell they want to leave, but I don't know what to do. I need you to change your mindset.
Remember, we're talking about mindset shifts. Here's the mindset shift I need you to have. From I need the perfect word to land this story to I can describe the thing I don't know the word for. People follow stories, not vocabulary. Choose other words to describe it. You don't just have one word. You can use other words to describe what you're trying to say. How do you do this? How do you make this shift? Step one, learn one rescue phrase by heart. You know that thing that or you know what I'm saying or you know this and then describe what you mean. Native speakers use this too. It's not a workaround. It's how storytelling works.
I do the same thing. Step number two. Before telling a story, ask yourself, "What's the feeling I want to land?" Not, "What's the exact word?" You see, once you know the feeling you want others to have, any description, including your rescue phrase, becomes a path to it. What is the feeling of your story? And step number three, when you hit a missing word midstory, don't rush past it. Slow down. Use your rescue phrase from step one and keep aiming at the feeling from step two. The room follows you because you're still going somewhere. These are the steps you need to change your mindset. You're intelligent. You can do it. Remember the steps.
