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Have you ever tried to make sense of what you're feeling? Because actually feeling it is the part you don't want to do. That pattern has a name and it is called rationalizing. Let's talk about it. You're listening to Relish, the podcast for people ready to stop chasing self-improvement and start savoring their lives. If you're tired of the hamster wheel of healing and hungry for more joy, presence, and meaning, you're in the right place. Hey friends, it's Alyssia. Welcome back to Relish. Today's episode is a super quick bite diving into a pattern so many thoughtful, intelligent, introspective people share, and that is rationalizing our emotions. If this resonates, please
follow or subscribe so these quick bites can keep finding you. And if you enjoy the show, we appreciate your five-star rating or review. That is one of the best ways to help us grow. So, here's a reframe I want you to sit with. Rationalize can be broken down into rational lies. Rationalize. Rational lies. Now, I don't mean lies in a malicious way, more like uh reasonable stories that we tell ourselves to avoid something uncomfortable because many of us were never really taught how to feel our feelings. So when sadness or anger or fear or grief or anything uncomfortable shows up, we need a way to deal with them. And one of the most common strategies many of us learned is to explain them away. So
rationalizing can sound like it's not that big of a deal. Other people have it worse. I shouldn't feel this way. uh or it makes sense that I feel this because of my childhood or my job or my trauma. And sometimes we can do this so fluently that we think we're being emotionally mature or we're being the bigger person when really we might be bypassing our pain. Part of why we rationalize is we don't know why something's uncomfortable here and we are looking for unknown because if I can explain it, if I can name the reason, then I will feel more in control. Okay, this is because of XYZ. Now I know and knowing can feel safer than not knowing. But here's the problem. Knowing in the mind does not metabolize the emotion
that is in the body. You know that knowing might soo your mind but it doesn't relieve what's happening in the body because the emotions still haven't been felt. The emotion is energy that needs to be in motion to move through to not get stagnant and repressed. So this is not a character flaw. It is a protection. And it is a coping mechanism that many of us learned when feelings were not safe or allowed. Feelings can be messy. They can feel overwhelming or unsafe if that was our experience when we were younger. So the intellect is really just stepping in and trying to help. And being rational is not a bad thing. Okay? Rationality is a beautiful capacity of your intellect.
The issue is when it becomes like an overcorrection. It becomes where we are hanging out to constantly make sense of the discomfort as a way to avoid feeling it. At the Hoffman process, we teach a model called the quadrinity. There's basically four parts of yourself as a human. We've got a body, an intellect, emotional self, and a spiritual self. And a lot of people realize with this model, I mean I did for the first time, uh that we've been living exclusively from our intellect. like our intellect has been running the show in the driver's seat and that emotional self has really not been tended to. But those emotions don't just disappear when that happens. They get repressed and that repression is
what fuels our patterns. This is also why people start asking like is there any more to life than this? Like what's the point? This is what relish is about because meaning and joy they are not thoughts. They are felt. They are lived experiences. This is what it means to be human is to have this capacity yes for intellect but also for emotions and body and spirit all at once. So there's a paradigm shift. Feelings don't need to be understood to be processed. processing an emotion intellectually is not really what's going to help it move through your system. I think CBT therapy has kind of confused some people about this cognitive behavioral therapy is a cognitive experience and it can keep a lot of
people in their heads. I've heard a lot of people say like I go to therapy week after week, you know, talking about the same thing and nothing changes. And I am a fan of therapy. I do therapy, don't get me wrong, but I find it's most impactful when it helps you connect to what you're actually feeling and help you learn to feel it sematically in your body. Now, understanding what happened can be helpful. The story can be helpful, but really the cognitive understanding is most supportive if it helps give us permission to feel the feelings at the body level. Sometimes you are not going to be able to figure out why. You're not going to be able to make sense of it. We talked about this a
bit in the science of emotions episode. I'll link it below. But that doesn't mean the feeling doesn't matter. It does matter. It counts. It needs care. Feelings are here because they need to be felt. Processing an emotion is not primarily a thinking activity. It is a nervous system activity. And what your nervous system needs is contact with it. So can you pause and just feel the sensations little by little? That doesn't have to be dramatic. It doesn't have to mean spiraling. It could be as simple as noticing the sensation. Pressure, warmth, tightness, heaviness, movement, numbness.
Without judging it, without explaining it, try it for 5 seconds, 10, 20, 30. Okay, that's it. When we constantly rationalize, we often are unknowingly invalidating ourselves, our pain. We tell ourselves these rational lies. I shouldn't feel this. It wasn't that bad. And what the body hears and learns is it's not safe to feel. And that keeps the cycle going. So if you notice yourself in this pattern of rationalizing, first see it with compassion. This part of you is smart. It's been trying to protect you. And you might just gently say, "Okay, maybe I don't need to explain this. Maybe even if I want to understand it, I can still let myself feel it in doses. Even if it doesn't make sense, maybe I can stay
here for 5 seconds, 10 seconds. The feelings are here because they need to be felt." If this resonated, here's a practice for the week. Notice when you try to explain something instead of feel it. I see a lot of times people get caught up in the story of a feeling because it's more comfortable than feeling it itself. Just notice your tendencies, not fixing or forcing. If you enjoy this kind of episode, I really think you'll like the science of emotions one. I'll link that below. And if you want more practices like this, of course, follow Relish. If there's someone that you know who lives a lot in their head, maybe send this to them. And if you enjoyed it, I really appreciate you helping us grow so that we can reach
more people. It can be as simple as leaving a short review, give us five stars, and know that I read every single review and so grateful for your thoughtfulness and your time. Okay, until next time, don't invalidate yourself. Don't rationalize it away. Be gentle with yourself. And remember that your feelings matter. You
